Joke of the day

we need a place to put 'em..here goes:

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond . Dumb arss!

out of the mouths of babes lol

dute little rascal!!!

A bald headed man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween costume party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

We have TRIED our very BEST Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

My Father, The Whorehouse Piano Player

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you're first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy''s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy''s father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

I had better run and hide when Tee see this Hello Kitty theme!

thats too cute!!

[i] OMG HELP!!!!!!!! IT'S PINK and KITTIES?????

Do you think Tee will like it??

PLEASE CHANGE THIS!!! THIS IS REALLY DIRE!!!!

I think Tee is going to sign death warrants on everyone involved

Well at least it is readable now!!

Be careful what you wish for!!!


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, the waitress asks for his order and the man says 'a hamburger, chips and a coke', he turns to the ostrich, 'what's yours?' 'I'll have the same' says the ostrich.



A short time later the waitress returns with the order, 'that will be £9.40 please' she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment. The next day the man and the ostrich come again and the man says 'a hamburger, chips and a coke' the ostrich says, 'I'll have the same'. Again the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount.



For a while this becomes a daily routine until the two enter again later in the week, 'the usual' asks the waitress, 'no, this time its a treat so l will have a steak, baked potato and a salad', the man says, 'yep! same for me', says the ostrich.



Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'that will be £24.60 please', once again the man pulls out the exact amount from his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer, 'excuse me Sir, how do you manage to always come up with the exact amount of money from your pocket everytime?'



'Well', says the man, 'several years ago l was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp, when l rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if l ever had to pay for anything l just had to place my hand in my pocket and the right amount would always be there'.



'That brilliant', says the waitress, 'most people would wish for a couple of million pounds, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live'.

'That's right, whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there' says the man.



The waitress asks' 'but, sir, what's with the ostrich?'.



The man sighs, pauses and reply's. 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything l say!

The advantages of a different time zone, no Hello Chitty assault. Thanks you. Srsly, thankyou